For Steph

Steph has just dropped off Amanda, her oldest daughter, at school for her first collegic experience and is now beginning the transition of having babies leave the house rather than come in with their tyrannical squawking voices and room consuming accessories. (Although I am sure she will argue that it is only the word count of these voices that change, not the tone or amount of paraphernalia in tow, but I am still green at parenting and delusional. Please don’t burst my rose colored bubble.)

Wow. To be honest I can’t picture Harper old enough to leave for college. I have tried and it just seems so far away. Then I realize that it only seems far away because all of the ‘in between’ will go so fast. In a blink of an eye these young babes will be asking for the car keys and choosing a major with their fancy course books while wearing their college of choice tee shirts, WAY before I will ever be ready. Great. Now I have something else to worry about.

How do I slow down all the good parts, but let the time it takes Harper to gum up all of her food or the time it takes me to change her diaper run at double speed? (Harper could eat constantly all day with the pace she sets for herself and I am still bumbling when it comes to diapers and snaps. Would it kill clothing manufacturers to number or color code these so-called easy access snaps? The time it takes me to unsnap all of the snaps I did wrong and then to resnap her Haute Couture, would allow me to sleep for an extra three hours a week if I could do it right the first time. I am truly all about zippers or Velcro or scotch tape.

So this is for Steph because she asked and because we love her… the nitty gritty details of a now ten month old beast, oops! I mean baby.

Harper sleeps well. So well, I guess I can’t complain AT ALL about this. She can sleep for a good 12 hours at night and takes a one to two hour nap in the morning and again in the afternoon. She loves her room and when I lay her down in her crib she smiles and I leave the room. Then I listen to her chortling away to her Ookie and Addle Brain. (Addle Brain is a little security blanket. When we first got her she was ‘talking’ to it and we are pretty sure she called it Addle Brain.) No crying from Harper and no guilt for Mommy.

Harper will now wave to people. It is a very strong arm held out completely still, no finger waggling, it is stoic, just a straight-up ‘nice to see you, too’ no nonsense wave. Of course she also waves to all the pictures in the house so it does make her no nonsense status a bit questionable and a little bit goofy. Harper is also capable at clapping. No more King Kong fists on her stomach or punching her fists together, she can now flat-palm clap with a little noise, too.

There are still no teeth in young Harper’s mouth, but this does not stop her from wanting to gum up all of her food thoroughly and completely. She has also found her pincher controls and will whoop my mom’s butt at picking up small, slippery items. Interestingly enough it seems that it is only food that she puts into her mouth. Occasionally there will be a nice smooth plastic block or a monkey’s head that will find its way to her lips for a little smooching, but nothing really gets chewed on.

A note to my readers: Some of you may know this, but for others it is necessary to tell you that I do not like drool. Sure, you are thinking who really does like drool? But I am serious. I do not like drool. I don’t like its viscous properties or its ability to slick down the toys or outfit of the day and I especially can’t handle it when it involves food, particularly crackerish substances. It makes me want to barf. Let’s not even talk about its ability to transfer itself from mouth to hand to Mommy’s anything. Diapers I can handle. Diapers are contained. Sure it is gross, but it is supposed to be and there are appropriate times and tools to clean it up… and as far as I know, the south end never smiles at me or expects kisses.

I also know what many of you are thinking. When Harper begins teething, she is going to drool and look out! But I am here to tell you that Harper and I have an understanding. If she doesn’t drool I will buy her an iPod when she is sixteen. (Let’s just hope that advancements in technology make an iPod in 2021 seem about as desirable as an 8-track tape or ditto machine.) Anyway… so far so good, although I have to remember to cancel her subscriptions to “Why Is My Mother Technologically Stunted Monthly” and “Ipod: Was It Really Just A Pipe Dream?”

The following paragraph is about bathroom behaviors so if you don’t care, or think it is inappropriate… to bad. Steph is cool with a little potty humor and this is for her… Heck, she married Garth so that sums it up right there.

Harper has a super-cute, red potty chair. Truly, it is really very, very cute. She does wear diapers and she tinkles like a racehorse both in the diapers and in the potty. People have differing opinions on whether toilet training children at a young age is good or bad. Some will say the baby is too young to understand and it will cause developmental issues later and others will say that babies are not given enough credit for what sensations they feel and do have control over the act of “going”. It is also a big rage in Europe to start babies when they are still very young. While in China, Harper was trained to go in a toilet. Her foster mom would hold her over a toilet and whistle and Harper knew it was time to go. When we were first told of this we were skeptical. She had a wet diaper when she was given to us so we knew the number one would happen when it needed to, but number two was a bit trickier. Many families, while we were in China, were having issues with their babies not pooping. Obviously this causes stress for both babies and parents and we thought before we would turn to prunes or suppositories we would try the whistle. It totally worked. Since then we have only had a handful of dirty diapers and Harper is a successful pooper on the potty. Right before she takes a bath, when she has no clothes on, she sits on her red potty chair and she is so cute I want to pinch her. Her brown eyes look up at me from her big head and with her little pot belly she just really looks so pinchable I think I may have some kind of pinching disorder. I am pretty sure it is called something like Pinchapotbellyitis or Insatiablepincherparent Syndrome. Either way I am sure treatment includes some ‘facility’ in a far off place, so no telling anyone ‘official.’

I have one last tidbit to tide you over with. Last week on Dan’s watch, Harper had a bath. Of course Dan had followed proper protocol and the procedural checklist, but Harper dropped her first deuce in the tub. I had known that this probably was inevitable even with Red Super Potty, but I think Dan was a bit surprised. After a flurry of exclamations and running water he successfully extricated her from the tub and continued to put her to bed mildly unfazed. Right on, Dad. My only complaint was when he came to me after and asked what he should do with it. Gee. Let me think about this one. I am not sure… what would YOU like to do with it? He figured out the right answer and took care of it like a champ.

Steph, in closing I would like to say that my heart aches for you. I still can’t comprehend this inevitability, but one thing I do know is that you have three kick-ass kids and I truly hope that Harper can grow up to be as well adjusted as your clan. As for parenting skills, I have a lot to learn, but knowing what is possible with some love, limits and laughter I am inspired by your success and ready to be molded into parental stardom. Teach me Obi-Won. You are my only hope.

And Amanda, to you I send my best thoughts and wishes. This will be such an exciting time for you. Just don’t forget to go home for hugs even if you use laundry as your excuse. Oh yeah, and ALWAYS listen to your mother… because I know about these things now.

Love,

Janet